The
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake
Model)
The
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake
Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of
Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military
Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
Aviation:
Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to
snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel,
crew rest and manicures.
Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field
Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On
Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades
in support. Kills several hundred civilians as
unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered
a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact
with snake, ignores all State Department directives
and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building
rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous
travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies
snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure
5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver
forces don't understand how to properly conduct
doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all
ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support
in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL
and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy
film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise
missiles from various types of ships, kills snake
and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective
means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by
accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians
demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake,
gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides
snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds
snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly
to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake
equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives
call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks
after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87
cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable
to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot:
Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts
bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows
snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT
mission on snake, kills snake and every other
living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target
coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't
receive authorization from National Command Authority
to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer:
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
snake activity are currently active. We assess
the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG):
Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of
professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks
in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment,
pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake
and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace
broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at
Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety
test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions
in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally
electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched
area for plans on improving flood plain, cant
do it because snake is on the endangered species
list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake
dies of food poisoning.
